Ever had a sleepless night? Well, looks like this one might be headed in that direction. It's about 2:45 in the morning and I've been trying to go to sleep since a little before midnight. I've tried every trick in the book and still... nothing. I believe this is mostly do to my brain running about 1000 mph so I decided the best thing to do would be to just get it out there. So here it goes:
Sincebefore the time I could comprehend anything, I've been learning about the Bible. I was taught all about it and about different stories and fact in it. I learned about the different doctrinal beliefs of the churches I grew up in and I'd have to say I was pretty much an expert on a lot of things. I learned a whole lot about the Bible but I honestly didn't care much until some of junior year and then my senior year of high school. Don't misunderstand, I wasn't a bad kid, it just didn't mean a lot. I knew a lot, I defended the things that I then believed fiercely, even to the point of tearing down some people, but I just didn't care. And you know, I honestly don't know if I cared during my senior year, but I started studying for myself.
I started to see God a whole lot differently. I remember reading the Bible when I was younger and coming across things that didn't match up with what I believed. I would think, "Wow, I must just misunderstand what this is saying," or, "This must be corrected somewhere else." And once I started reading the Bible more than one proof text at a time, I started to learn Truth! It was exciting but at the same time I remember reading one night and throwing my Bible to the ground because something I had believed so strongly my entire life was just proven wrong. That can be frustrating.
So I went on to study Bible at Harding University where I just finished my freshman year and sophmore year is quickly approaching though I don't know where I'll be for sure. But while at Harding my eyes have been opened to a whole lot bigger and more powerful God then I've ever known. Like people were being healed in Jesus name in front of my eyes. I saw a ten year old girl with a fractured arm that she got the day before on a trampoline walk into a coffee shop where we were worshiping. Someone prayed for her and she was moving it all over the place pain free. I saw another kid's hand get healed in the back of a prayer meeting. Like where was this my whole life. And there is so much more than physical healings that God still does today and it blew me away. I had studied this before and knew it could be true but have honestly been turned off by Benny Hinn and his compadres. But Jesus is alive and He's working today.
Then there are the disciplines of prayer and fasting that are so very powerful. They draw us so close to God and can unleash His power in mighty ways if we just have faith and the right heart. I never really prayed before except before I went to sleep or when the family did before dinner. But the prayer room became my favorite place on campus and it changed my heart. I used to spend over an hour a day in there and I could literally see my heart changing. There are specific things that I could point out that are very different than before. That's what happens when you are in communion with God consistantly and you give Him your heart, tell him He has your heart. His Spirit changes you (Rom 8:13)
This was all awesome but then we get to present day. I'm honestly pretty frustrated. I've been asking for a few things for a while. One is to know God's desire and purpose for me in life and I haven't gotten a clear answer. I've also been asking for spiritual giftings like so many of my friends have but... nothing.
The other night we were worshiping and praying and I was asking God about these things and I started to feel terrible. I was physically feeling sick and didn't feel well emotionally either. Talking it out with a friend, I believe God was saying, "It's not Me, it's you." I've realized that even though my reading and sermon intake has been high this summer, my prayer life has been skimpy if anything. I haven't fasted even one day. And I just realized I've pretty much lost all passion. So I've been kind of at a loss for a few days at what to do. But I believe I've figured it out.
I'm reading this book called Why Revival Tarries by Leonard Ravenhill and it is outstanding but definiatly a seemingly harsh view but from an understanding of Truth. In it He points out that theologically degreed preachers are worthless without a passion for Jesus, prayer, and a sense of desperation. That kind of hit me obviously.
Talking to a friend she pointed out that if you want spiritual gifts you have to be desperate and want Jesus more than anything. And that only comes in the midst of prayer. So passion for Jesus, prayer, and a sense of desperation... sound familiar?
If you want God to use you and place a calling on your life that will come with passion for Jesus, prayer, and a sense of desperation.
Very truthfully I don't feel a passion for Jesus right now (is it okay to be honest?). I don't have a passion for prayer anymore. I don't feel desperate for Him or His Kingdom. For years I've stuffed myself with learning and trying to find and/or prove the Truth only to become a calloused person who knows about Jesus and various true and false doctrines.
So what do I do? I follow the example of those who have gone before me and my own experience. I start praying again and stop going the easy route of just listening to a sermon and counting that as God time. And I pray with passion. How do I get back the desperation? Well in the words of those old revival preachers, "Try tears." I pour my heart out to God more and more and more until passion comes. I heard of an old revival preacher who would occasionally loose passion for prayer. You know how he would fix it? Prayer. He went into his room and prayed until he once again had passion. I need to fast, to set myself apart and learn to rely on God and show Him that I'm serious about Him. With passionate prayer comes passion for Jesus. With passion for Jesus comes passion for the things He cares about and we become desperate for those things with the tears and being on our faces praying earnestly for His Kingdom to come. With passion for Jesus, prayer, fasting, and desperation comes a call on my life and spiritual giftings. But the main thing is Jesus. The main thing is Him being glorified.
Jesus... I want to know You again. Jesus is the reason we're all here. Jesus is what the signs point to. Jesus is why the church was created. He's mighty and so worthy of our worship and adoration. Just recognizing those things brings passion for Him.
JESUS
